What I Need

  When I was a little girl, when people would ask, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I always said “a mom.”  I know this is a fairly typical answer for women of the LDS church, but I really meant it.  I wanted more than anything to be a full time mom, I wanted to nurture and raise mini-me’s and mini-Mr. Rights.  I wanted to teach them to sing and act and play baseball, all the things my parents had done for me.  And most of all, I wanted to be pregnant.  I used to look in the mirror and push out my tummy as far as it would go and think, “I am going to be so cute when I am pregnant.”  I know that may sound a little crazy, but the thought of life growing inside of me, life that my husband and I had created was absolutely miraculous to me!

  Life doesn’t always go as you plan.  My junior year of high school I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  PCOS is a disease that causes obesity and infertility in women, although at the time, the Dr. chose not to focus on all of that.  It was still a disease that they knew relatively little about, especially in Blanding.  So I went about my life looking forward to the day I could get married and start a family.  I can’t tell you when they doctor finally told me that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be able to have children, but I remember shoving it all aside and ignoring it.  Afterall, all that I wanted was to be a mother, so if I was faithful, I would have children.

  For several years I battled the symptoms I had been warned about.  First came the weight gain.  I gained 90 lbs in two years.  Then came my favorite symptom, facial hair.  I tried birth control to regulate hormones, and I took diabetes II medication to try to correct/prevent symptoms. 

When I met Cameron, I was very up front with him about everything, and of course, he was wonderful.  He made it very clear that he didn’t care if I ever got pregnant, that there are other ways to have children, and, having been adopted himself, he was a big supporter of adoption. 

  For a year and a half we tried to get pregnant….and nothing happened.  We finally decided to try clomid, the first dose was unsuccessful, and we decided to try again in a month.  The second time around they increased the dose and still nothing happened, I didn’t even ovulate.  The third time around they put me on the highest dose they could, and when nothing happened again, my doctor told us maybe it was time to pursue other options.

  I cannot begin to describe how incomplete you feel as a woman when you can’t do the one thing your body was created to do.   I felt guilty everyday.  I felt guilty I couldn’t give Cameron a child, and I felt guilty that I couldn’t give our parents grandchildren.  I listened to our sisters announce that they were pregnant 5 times, and every time I would cry myself to sleep that night.  It just wasn’t fair. 

  We met with LDS Family Services once while we were living in Orem, and we both left feeling that the time wasn’t right.  So we waited, finally this February, Cameron said “I think the time is right.” We met with Claire at LDS Family services and got the first round of paper work.  We were all set to go, except for one thing, Insurance.  We assumed that because my parents had been unable to insure me after CHIP ran out, that I would be the one that was uninsurable, so we applied for Cameron.  We were certain that he would be accepted.  As I mentioned in an earlier entry, that did not work out the way that we hoped.  They denied Cameron and refered him to a state program for people that were denied by insurance companies. 

  We were both devastated about this.  Reality began to sink in that maybe it would be another several years before we could adopt because the only way we could get insurance was through a full time job and we are both still in school.  One night, I couldn’t sleep, so, as a joke, I applied for insurance with the same company.  I thought if we had both been turned down maybe we could both get some kind of coverage through the state.  I applied in May, and we went through the entire month of June and didn’t hear anything.  By this time I was living in Blanding helping my parents with their paper, and Cameron was still in Cedar.  On July 10, Cameron’s Birthday, a letter from Regency came.  Cameron was on the phone with me when he opened it, and after a long pause he said “you just gave me the best birthday present ever!’  They accepted me!  I got the email yesterday stating that my coverage has begun and cards will be in the mail shortly.

  It’s amazing how when you feel totally hopeless, Heavenly Father gives you what you need.  Cameron and I will continue the adoption process next month, and pending approval, we will start the wait to have a baby placed with us.  We know it will be a long and difficult and long process but it will be worth it.